Hunter
by Virtuella
Summary: The Serenity crew have landed themselves a job that seems sedate and even legal. However, when they discover uninvited guests on board, they have to revise their plans and one thing leads to another. Canon characters and pairings. FINALLY COMPLETE!
1. The Dangers of Doing a Legal Job

**_In this story, I am trying to get as close as possible to the spirit of the programme, aiming for similar length, dialogue, plot structure and characterisation. Also tried to get a nice part for each of the characters. Usual disclaimers apply._**

* * *

Chapter 1: The Dangers of A Legal Job

"Rats!" said Zoe as she crouched down by the kitchen units. Kaylee looked up from the chopping board.

"What is it?"

"Rats." Zoe pointed to the floor.

"Yes, but what – oh."

In the corner between the cupboards and the wall lay about half a dozen black, slug-shaped pellets, each perhaps a centimetre long.

"Cap'n ain't gonna be pleased with that."

"Sure won't."

"Could get right into the electrics and chew through the cables."

Zoe cursed.

"What's going on?" said Wash, ambling in.

"We've got rats," replied Zoe. "Must've come on board with the cargo."

"Ooooh, fresh protein!" Wash inspected the floor where Zoe was pointing. "Wait a minute, that's not a rat, that's just a little pile of, um…"

"Rat droppings."

"Yeah, rat droppings. Okay." He scratched his head. "Never had that before."

"Never transported such a pile of old junk before," said Zoe.

"Hey, it's antique furniture!" said Kaylee. "I bet it's mighty shiny. Wouldn't mind having a look at it. All those memories…"

"I couldn't care less," replied Zoe. "Guy should've just got someone to sell it off for him, transfer the credits. Crazy idea to haul it from one planet to another."

"But it's sentimental value!" Kaylee began to dish up the dinner. "He was maybe really fond of his old granny, and cherishes the… the… the history of her things and all."

"Did you see the check list?" said Wash. "One of the items is a colostomy bag."

"Well, at least it's a legal job."

"Trade in memories, much obliged, piece together the past, obscure the future."

"Oh, hi, River!"

"Muriodea" said the girl. She picked up a plate in each hand and danced over to the table. "Rattus norvegicus, the most common species of rat. Rats display social intelligence and altruistic behaviours."

"Well, that's nice," said Kaylee.

"They are zoonotic vectors and spread diseases such as leptospirosis and Lassa Fever. And the Bubonic Plague."

"Oh."

"Well," said Zoe, "if nothing else we've found ourselves a stimulating topic for dinner conversation."

River made no reply and completed her table-setting ballet. Shortly afterwards they were joined by the remaining members of their little dysfunctional family.

"You think it came in with the cargo?" said Simon. "Maybe it's just the one then."

"Maybe, maybe not." Mal drove his fork into his protein burger. "But we can't have rats on this boat, not even one. Wash and I'll check the cargo after dinner, see if we can get an idea as to how many there are. Then we can decide how we'll deal with it.

"I would be grateful if you could deal with this sooner rather than later," said Inara. Her voice sounded uncharacteristically strained. They all looked at her. Her immaculate skin looked pale, the glossy lips quivered.

"I can't abide rats," she continued. "They give me the creeps."

"Doesn't you Companion training protect you from such squeamishness?"

"There's such a thing as phobias, Mal."

There was a rustle and then a scurrying movement across the floor by the lounge area. And then a gunshot.

"There," said Jayne, returning his gun to his holster. "Dealt with."

"Jayne," said Mal in his flattest voice, "that's the last time you bring a loaded gun to the dinner table."

" _She_ said to deal with it fast. I dealt with it fast! You should be grateful that I am protecting your lady of the night."

Without a word, Inara left the table and returned to her shuttle, crimson silk billowing behind. Shepherd Book picked up the dead rat by its tail.

"What shall we do with this? It is a source of fresh protein."

"Not you as well," muttered Zoe.

"I ain't eatin' that!" protested Kaylee.

"And you shouldn't." Simon put his hand over hers. "We have no idea what pathogens this rat carries. The safest thing would be to incinerate it."

"I leave the disposal of the body in your capable hands, doctor," said Mal as he rose from the table. "Wash, let's go."

In the cargo bay, the two men began taking the plastic wrappers off the bulky items. Shabby armchairs, bedside tables and battered boxes emerged. Everything smelled musty. Mal inspected a chest of drawers. The top two were completely empty, the third contained a few scraps of paper and a single sock, the fourth –

"Urgh," he said and closed it again. The sight of a fat rat suckling half a dozen young didn't seem exactly endearing to him. He ground his teeth. If there was one nest, there could be others. He raked through a heap of clothes at the bottom of a wardrobe. A sleek, dark body bustled out and disappeared between the crates.

"Mal?" Wash's voice sounded alarmed. "Mal, you'd better come and look at this."

"Yeah, I found a nest as well."

"It's not a nest."

Wash crouched beside a green chintz sofa, the seat cushions lay tossed beside him on the floor. He had ripped aside the fabric underneath. Mal came closer and looked.

"Hundan! That's why he was so keen on getting his old granny's stuff."

A scream rose from Inara's shuttle.


	2. Desperate Times Require Fluffy Measures

Chapter 2: Desperate Times Require Fluffy Measures

Shepherd Book was the first to reach the shuttle door, closely followed by Kaylee and Simon. Moments later, the whole crew crowded round the entrance and peered into the red and gold room. The safety catch of Zoe's gun clicked.

Inara cowered on her couch, pale but seemingly unhurt. Kaylee sat down beside her and threw her arms around her.

"I'm sorry," Inara said. "I didn't mean to alarm you. There was a rat. It ran over there." She pointed vaguely. Then her voice changed, regaining some of its usual self-assurance. "Jayne, I absolutely forbid you to shoot in my shuttle."

With a grunt, Jayne lowered his gun. Wash, who had never been inside the shuttle since Inara had moved into it, cast a critical look around.

"Nice hide-out! All these drapes. Plenty of places for a rat to burrow into."

"We'll have a look around anyway," said Mal. "See if we can smoke it out."

"I can't sleep here tonight. I can't!" Inara's eyes shimmered. Shepherd Book took her hand.

"You are welcome to join us in the passenger dorm."

"Rats there, too. Everywhere, nothing stops them." River shuddered. "Nowhere's safe."

"Thank you, River, for this uplifting observation." Mal rubbed his neck. "But the shepherd's right. A room in the passenger dorm will be easier to search; it doesn't have any of this fancy stuff in it. Inara?"

"I'll get my things."

"Zoe, Jayne, you go and check out the spare room for Inara. And no more shooting! I'm getting a headache here. Kaylee, what can you do to protect our electrics?"

"Insulation tape, I suppose." She shrugged. "I'm gonna need a helluva lot of it."

"I can help you," offered Simon.

"No," said Mal, "I want to speak to you. Wash, you go with Kaylee."

"Come along, dear," Shepherd Book said to River, who had started sobbing. He put an arm round her shoulder and led her away towards the dining room.

"So, doctor." Mal mimicked Book's gesture, but manoeuvred Simon towards the stairs instead. "Let's have a look at that infirmary of yours. Must be something there that's useful as rat poison."

Simon lifted his index finger to his half-open mouth.

"We have some chloralose," he said. "Not in huge quantities, though. And it only works as a rat poison at temperatures below 15 degrees."

"Life-support can be adjusted. We can go and dig out our cardigans."

Simon grinned. "You have a cardigan?"

"Sure. Don't you? Mine has fluffy bunnies on it. I have a matching floral bonnet."

oOoOo

"All the rats we found in nests among the cargo have been euthanised. We put out poison in the cargo bay and up here in the kitchen. Make sure not to touch it."

"I shot three. One got away."

"Yes, Jayne, you're a big hero."

"Mal!" wailed Wash, "Why did you have to say that? Now I've got that gorram song stuck in my head again."

Mal ignored him and went on, "For the poison to work, the temperature must be below 15 degrees, so we've switched the heating down. Get your cardigans on, or find someone to snuggle with, if you must." He cast a suggestive glance at Kaylee, who blushed because he'd caught her out just as her eyes were about to stray towards Simon. "We have twelve day's travel to our drop-off, and it's possible that we won't be rid of the rats before that. It's going to be a chilly journey."

They nodded gravely.

"Which brings me to the marginal question of our customer's dishonourable intentions."

"It's not his fault," said Simon. "Wasn't the load sitting in that warehouse for weeks? The rats had plenty of time to get comfortable."

"I'm not talking about the rats," said Mal.

All faces turned to him.

"What then?" asked Inara.

"Let's put it this way," said Mal, thumbs hooked in his braces. "I'm happy to do a legal job, even if the pay is not too brilliant, because it gives us that veneer of respectability we so crave. On the other hand, I'm not looking too closely if the job is not legal. But, and I want to be clear on this, if I am smuggling a load of classified Alliance personnel files, I want to be paid accordingly."

"What you mean? Ain't no Alliance stuff in that cargo… is there?" Kaylee looked confused.

"We found them stashed inside an old sofa," said Wash and flung a bundle of printed papers on the table.

Zoe frowned. "Paper files? Are you kidding? When did Alliance go low-tech?"

"Paper's easier to smuggle. Won't show up on a scanner."

"How do you know it's classified stuff?"

"Says so."

"Hm."

They all stared at the papers for a while.

"What are we gonna do about it, cap'n?" said Kaylee.

Mal shrugged. "Limpton paid for the transportation of his granny's estate, and that's what we'll deliver. If he wants anything else, he needs to negotiate the price."

"That sounds risky," said Simon.

"Really?" snapped Mal. "What do you think this is, a holiday cruiser?"

oOoOo

Within forty-eight hours, five rats were killed by poison. Jayne shot another three. Yet the little scurrying shadows seemed to be everywhere and the constant scratching behind every crate or panel became nerve-wrecking. Inara stayed in her new room with the door closed and only opened it when Kaylee or the shepherd brought her a tray of food. Simon had trouble keeping River calm. She sat crouched in a corner of her bed, hands over her ears, and muttered endless litanies: "Tail and paw, ear and tooth, death comes a-walking, nose and whiskers, gnawing, gnawing…"

Wrapped in three layers of sweaters, Kaylee kept a vigil in the engine room. So far no rats had been sighted there. The rest of the crew spent most of their waking hours rat hunting.

"Our love for him now ain't hard to explain," sang Wash as he disposed of another little body, "The hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne..."

"Honey!" said Zoe with a warning voice.

"It's Mal's fault! He brought it up."

"That was two days ago."

"I've not exactly had a lot of distraction since then. Nothing but rats, rats, rats. How can there be so many?"

"Fast breeders?"

"We're not getting on top of this, are we?"

When she prepared for bed later, Kaylee heard the ominous rustle she had come to dread. She nearly burst into tears when she discovered that a pregnant rat had not only made a nest under her precious pink dress, but had shredded a good part of the ruffles in the process. That shock was nothing, however, compared to the one she had the next morning when she found the upper stabilizer cable half chewed.

"This is getting serious," said Mal. "And Simon's out of chloralose. We need to stop somewhere, get some traps, some proper rat poison. Wash?"

"Deng yi miao." Wash checked his screen. "Sixteen hours to Kerry."

"Make that fifteen."

They made it to Kerry in fifteen-and-a-half hours without any further rodent-related mishaps. Mal chose a modestly populated temperate region.

"This is a fairly harmless town," he said after they'd landed on a grassy plain about a mile from a settlement. "I don't mind if you all want to go and stretch your legs. Zoe and I will do the shopping. Make sure to be back for dinner."

Inara felt too fraught to face even this quiet backwater, but the others gladly availed themselves of the opportunity to get some planet time. The place was harmless indeed, even pretty in a run-down, casual way: half-timbered houses, little overgrown gardens with summer flowers behind dilapidated fences. Fluffy clouds flocked across a blue sky. "Shiny!" said Kaylee and opened her parasol.

Three hours later, the crew arrived back at the ship. Jayne, Wash and Zoe got busy setting the traps. The others hung around at the ramp. They seemed to enjoy it that for once they didn't have to leave a planet in a rush. Inara, who had at least come out to the front of the ship, had set up a delicate easel and was painting a watercolour of the distant hills. Simon and River were looking over her shoulder.

Mal stared down the road that led to the settlement.

"Where's Kaylee? She'd better not got herself kidnapped. Who was with her?"

"River and I, but then River got a bit agitated and I took her back to the ship. Kaylee wanted to stay and look at some goats." Simon screened the horizon. "I think that's her coming there now."

It was indeed Kaylee, ambling towards Serenity as if she didn't have a care in the 'verse. Her parasol was tucked under her arm. She carried some kind of package and kept bending her head towards it. Mal screwed up his eyes. Something was hanging down from the package: an orange, undulating thing, and it moved, snake-like. As Kaylee drew closer, he realised what it was.

"Kaylee, what the hell –"

"Hiya, Cap'n." She smiled at him. "Come and meet my new friend."


	3. Meet the Mighty Hunter

Meet the Mighty Hunter

Arms akimbo, Mal glared at Kaylee and her new ginger friend.

"Are you serious? You want to bring a cat on board this ship?"

"Cap'n, he's a stray, nobody'll miss him. And he's such a sweetheart – hear him purr!"

The cat did purr, no doubt about it; even standing five feet away Mal could hear it. And it was clearly a stray, scruffy and skinny; if he had any owners, they deserved to lose him. Still, a spaceship was no place for a cat.

"Kaylee, no…"

"If he is a stray," said Shepherd Book and gave Mal a meaningful look, "he is a good hunter, I dare say. Isn't that just what we need at this time?"

"That's what I've been thinking, cap'n."

"Hm." Mal said nothing for a while. Then he turned on his heel and marched into the ship.

"You're responsible for him, li'l Kaylee," he shouted. "You clean up after him, or there will be trouble. A cat is for life, you know!"

Kaylee lifted the cat to her face and pressed her cheek against his ginger fur. "What did I tell you?" she whispered. "Cap'n's a nice man. Welcome to Serenity."

"He is seeking adventures." River fondled the cat behind his ears and he pushed his nose against her palm.

"He's come to the right place then," said Simon.

"Get inside, we're about to take off!" came Wash's voice over the intercom. Inara packed up her easel and allowed Simon to help carry her art supplies. The girls followed, cooing over the cat, and Shepherd Book brought up the rear just as the ramp began to close. Five minutes later, Serenity hurled skywards.

"Let's take this little fellow to the infirmary," said Simon after they had left Inara in her room. "I'm no vet, but I'll give him a check-over and see what I can do for him. What will you call him?"

"I don't know yet." Kaylee tickled the cat under the chin. "Do you think he looks like a Henry?"

"He looks like an orange cat," said River. "No Henry I've ever met looked like that."

"You could call him Herne. You know, Herne the Hunter?"

Kaylee looked lost.

"It's a legend from Earth-that-was," explained Simon as he examined the cat's teeth. "A mysterious hooded figure with antlers who rides through the forest…" He looked at the cat, who had rolled over on his back and seemed to expect someone to rub his tummy. "Maybe not."

"How about calling him Hunter?" Shepherd Book suggested. "Since that's what we are hoping he'll turn out to be."

"Hunter. I like that," said Kaylee.

"Our cat was called Cassandra," said River.

"You had a cat?"

River made no reply and walked away.

Simon sighed. "River got a kitten on her sixth birthday. The poor little thing didn't live long. It was mauled by a sparrowhawk in our garden and had to be put down."

"Poor kitten." Kaylee bent protectively over Hunter, as if some fiend was about to swoop down on him. "And poor River, what a shame for her."

"Yes, she was very upset."

"Did she get another cat?"

"No, after this experience, our parents never allowed pets again. It would have been nice to grow up with a pet."

"It is a special bond between cats and humans," said Shepherd Book. "We hear of the Prophet Muhammad, back on Earth-that-was, that one day he found his cat asleep on the sleeve of his prayer robe, and rather than disturbing the cat, he cut off the sleeve."

"Wow, you two, this cat is just bringing out the Earth-that-was stories in you." Kaylee beamed, then her face fell. "I don't know none apart from Santa coming down the chimney and that other one where the woman loses her shoe."

"You know other things to make up for that," said the shepherd kindly. "Things that are much more useful to us."

"You're a nice man, shepherd."

"Well," said Simon, "looks like our Hunter is in pretty good shape. He doesn't have any fleas or ticks and his fur should be fine once it's brushed. He is underfed, of course."

Kaylee picked up the cat and hugged him. "Lots of yummy rats waiting for you, Hunter. Go get them!"

She put him on the floor. He sniffed the air and turned to look at her.

"On you go!"

Silently, the cat disappeared in the cargo bay.

oOoOo

Hunter caught three rats during his first night on Serenity. He lined up their half-eaten bodies in the aft hall outside the engine room. The following night there were four, the next two. Another half dozen were caught in the traps. The mood among the crew visibly brightened. They could hear that there were still some rats about, but those were less bold now and rarely showed themselves.

"All hail, the mighty Hunter," said Zoe. "I ain't touching no cat, but good job!"

"Why won't you touch him?" Kaylee squatted beside Hunter and stroked his head. "Since we've brushed him, he looks just shiny."

"Don't like cats. You can keep him. But as I said, good job."

"Yes," Mal agreed, "you did right to bring him, Kaylee. Teach him to use a toilet, though, will you? The smell is getting beyond a joke."

"It is not pleasant," said Shepherd Book, "but it might be of benefit. Rats and mice are often driven away purely by the smell of a cat."

"That so?" replied Mal. "And where exactly will they be driven here? Do you expect them to assemble in front of the airlock so we can space them?"

"I think it's a good sign that they seem to keep away from the kitchen."

"And from my room," added Inara. "I am encouraging Hunter to sleep on my bed."

"Yeah, just don't charge him your usual rates," muttered Mal.

Inara didn't dignify this with a reply, but sat down beside Kaylee instead and joined her in fussing over Hunter.

"Anyone for coffee?" asked Zoe and sauntered over to the kitchen cupboard. She filled the kettle and set out mugs.

"Two sugars for me."

"No such luck, Jayne." Zoe dropped the sugar bag in disgust. "Rats have been in here and left some…deposits."

Jayne cursed. "Man, I'm fed up with these gorram rats! Beats me why they bothered bringing them from Earth-that-was."

"They brought as many different species as they could," said Simon, "to ensure biodiversity. Virtually every living thing plays a role in the ecosystem, even if we don't immediately see it. Rodents are seed spreaders and a food source for larger animals."

"Seems like they're a good food source for Hunter here anyway," said Kaylee and rubbed the cat's tummy. "He looks like he's fattening up already."

Jayne leered. "Warms the heart, eh, to see li'l Kaylee stroke her pussy. I'll be in my bunk."

oOoOo

With a steadily declining population of rats, Serenity had completed about half her journey to Beaumonde, where Limpton was eagerly awaiting his sentimentally valuable colostomy bag. Mal discussed with Zoe and Zoe only what they would do on arrival.

Hunter had become friendly with most of the people on board but had taken a particular shine to Simon. Whenever he found the doctor sitting idly, he would come up to him, tail held high, and rub against his knees. As soon as Simon stretched out a hand to stroke him, he let himself fall over sideways to get his tummy tickled and then hugged Simon's hands with his paws and gently nipped his fingers.

Man and cat were employed in just this amiable game while Simon took a break from sorting through his medical supplies in the infirmary. Mal's voice was heard from outside the open door.

"Go ask the doctor for a sticky plaster then, you big baby."

Jayne appeared in the doorway, holding out his left hand. Blood dripped from the thumb.

"Cut myself cleaning my fingernails," he said.

"I can bandage that up for you." Simon turned on the tap and reached for the soap. "Let me just wash my hands."

"Why, have you been playing with Kaylee's pussy?"

Simon froze, but said nothing. A few seconds later, he resumed his hand-washing. Jayne grinned. He didn't see Mal squaring up behind him.

"Jayne?"

"What?" He turned.

Before he could blink, Mal's fist knocked him out cold. A tray of surgical instruments clattered to the floor.

"Don't you dare open your mouth again until you can think of a better joke." Mal nudged Jayne with his boot. "Doctor, see to him."


	4. Summer is Icumen in, Loudly Sing, Cuckoo

Summer is Icumen in, Loudly Sing, Cuckoo!

Serenity ploughed through the Black with a comfortable purr of her engines. The crew had finished dinner and most of them had wandered off to their various quarters with just a few stragglers remaining behind. In the lounge area, Jayne sat playing with his rain stick. He tilted it slowly from side to side and the gentle trickling sound filled the room. After a while, he began to twirl it like a baton. Then he grasped it by one end, flung it up, watched it flip over in the air, and caught it by the other end. He did this once, twice, thrice. The fourth time his hand slipped and the rain stick landed on the floor with a crash.

Hunter leapt up from the seat where he had been snoozing, jumped on top of the kitchen units, skidded, lost his balance and landed in the sink. Shepherd Book, who was doing the dishes, leaned aside but couldn't escape the deluge. Water splashed as far as the dining table.

"Well done, Jayne," said Zoe, "you've made it rain."

With an expression that dared anyone to laugh, the cat shivered and began to groom himself.

The lights dimmed and crackled and then went out.

"Not again," cried Zoe as she jumped up. She scanned both hallways, but no fireball appeared. Mal and Wash came jogging up from the cargo bay, wielding flashlights.

"Where is that girl?" demanded Mal. "Kaylee? KAYLEE!"

"'s matter?" came a stunned voice from the engine room. Kaylee had been dozing in her hammock.

"Kaylee, I need you to find out what happened."

"Engine's running okay, cap'n. Listen to her. 's just the lights, I think. Something short-circuited."

"Well, find it and put it right."

"Sure. Jus' hold that flashlight for me."

As Kaylee began hunting for the fault, voices drifted up from the passenger dorm.

"Hello?" Simon called. "What happened?"

"Nothing too grievous, it would seem," replied Mal. "Just stay where you are; your biggest danger at the moment is that you fall and break a leg."

"'s nothing here," said Kaylee after a while. "I need to check the secondary circuit board on the bridge."

Mal and Wash followed her, still holding the flashlights. Kaylee set to work.

"Got it!" She held up a piece of gear. "Gorram rat has managed to gnaw its way into the circuit breaker." She pushed the electrocuted rodent away with her boot. "Need to put in a new one and we should be fine. Wash, get me one from the supply cupboard."

Wash handed her the part and she fitted it. Sure enough, the lights came back on. Methodically, Kaylee performed a number of checks.

"Goushi!" she exclaimed. "The main Cortex receiver is fried."

"Meaning what exactly?" asked Mal.

"Meaning we can't receive a Cortex signal."

"What, none at all?"

"None at all."

"But you have a spare!"

"This was the spare. The original one was blown out in the explosion last month."

"Huh." Mal turned to Wash. "But we don't really need the Cortex, do we? You've set the course."

Wash shrugged. "In principle, yes. But I need a Cortex signal to steer clear of other traffic, especially once we reach orbit. I can't autopilot us to Limpton's backyard. And then there's asteroids and space junk and other fun stuff. We should land somewhere as soon as possible."

"Won't we have the same problems wherever we land?"

"Yes, but the longer the journey lasts, the more likely some kind of collision becomes."

"So what do you suggest?"

"We're set to pass Persephone in about eight hours. Once we have visual on the planet, I can change course. I could find the Eavesdown Docks in my sleep."

"Right." Mal gave a grim nod. "Persephone it is."

oOoOo

"I thought you said you could find the Eavesdown Docks in your sleep!"

"I didn't think it would be overcast!"

"Are you telling me you have no idea at all where we'll be coming down until we're practically on top of it?"

"I'm not making for the docks anymore. I'll try and bring us down a good bit outside the city, where there's more space. That way, we might not kill anyone."

"Good luck with that!"

oOoOo

When the noise had died down, Mal grabbed the intercom.

"We're good, people. Stay put till we check things out." He looked at Wash. "More space, eh?"

Wash looked sheepish. "I'd forgotten about the forests."

"Well, looks like you've been reminded."

A snapped spruce tree nodded gently in front of the windshield. Beyond it, copious amounts of greenery insinuated themselves into the field of vision.

When the crew emerged on the ramp, they felt stunned by the unfamiliar smell of foliage and damp soil. In spite of the cloudy sky, the air was pleasantly warm. A soft breeze tugged at the women's hair.

"Okay, people, looks like we're lost in the woods," said Mal.

"Well, that's good, isn't it?" said Simon.

"Care to elaborate?"

"I remember you once saying the woods were the only place where you could see a clear path."

"Huh."

"Nice place for a break," commented Shepherd Book. "We can commune with nature here."

"We what? Sounds dirty," said Jayne.

River was beaming. "I hear birds! Cuckoo!" She began to wander off.

"River, stay here!"

"Cuckoo!"

"It's okay, doctor," said Mal. "We'll be here for a good few hours, if not a day or two, depending on how much damage those gorram trees did to the hull. Just don't let her stray too far. And don't get lost! Cut notches in the tree trunks with your machete or something."

Simon, Inara and the shepherd followed River, who was skipping ahead under the trees. Mal addressed the others.

"Zoe, Jayne, you take the shuttle and get over to Eavesdown Docks to get a Cortex receiver. Wash, Kaylee, let's see if our boat's been scratched."

"Cap'n, look!" cried Kaylee and pointed. The landing gear had sunk into the spongy ground and down the legs scurried dozens of small brown bodies. "Shepherd was right, they must hate the smell of a cat. They're taking the first opportunity to leave."

A ginger shape flitted down the ramp and disappeared into the underbrush.

"Hunter, no!" Kaylee ran after the cat.

"Kaylee! KAYLEE! You won't catch him. He'll come back by himself."

"What if he won't? What if something happens to him?"

"He's a cat," said Mal. "He can look after himself. Come on, we need to survey the damage."

For once, they'd been lucky. Serenity's underbelly was plenty scratched but nowhere punctured. They began to pull off the branches that had become stuck in every imaginable crevice.

"We should keep these for Christmas," said Kaylee. "Make a nice wreath."

oOoOo

"Cuckoo!"

Simon was about to dash in the direction of the noise, but Shepherd Book held him by the arm.

"That wasn't her, son, that was a real bird."

"River!" Simon looked panicky. "River, come back!"

"She can't be far." The shepherd turned his head. "Now, where's Inara gone?"

"I'm here." Inara stood in the shade of a massive oak tree, her arms lifted high, her head tilted back, her eyes closed. "Just breathe this air!"

"We need to find River!"

"Don't fret so much, Simon." She let her arms sink. "She's a child, she wants to play in the woods. She'll come back when she's hungry."

"How can you be so lackadaisical about it? What if she gets lost? What if something happens to her?"

"Cuckoo!"

Inara grinned.

"Cuckoo!"

Simon followed Inara's eyes upwards. In a fork of the oak tree sat River with her feet dangling. She giggled.

"Fooled you!"

"You really are such a brat!" Simon laughed.

In the distance, a sound like barking dogs arose.

"Hunters," said River.

oOoOo

Mal, Wash and Kaylee had been too busy to pay attention to the barking. They were nearly finished stripping the unwanted greenery of the ship when they finally became aware of a commotion. From among the trees, a pack of dogs emerged, followed by about a dozen red-clad horsemen. Ahead of the pack sprinted -

"Hunter!" shrieked Kaylee.

The cat raced barely a foot ahead of the dogs. Before he could reach the ramp, one hound leapt forwards and brought him down. The other dogs piled on. Kaylee screamed.

Gunshots tore through the air. Two dogs fell to the ground, the others fled when Mal, Wash and Kaylee rushed towards them. Kayley scooped up Hunter, tears running down her face.

"He ain't dead. Please, please, he ain't dead."

The hunters drew up their horses beside the bodies of the dead dogs. The surviving dogs hid behind them, yelping. A stout, middle-aged man shook an angry fist at Mal.

"Are you out of your mind, man? Whatever did you shoot the dogs for?"

"They were attacking one of my crew."

"Nonsense, they were only chasing after a cat."

"Cat's got a job on my boat, that makes him a crew member."

Another rider came to the front now. He was tall and slender and sat on his grey horse with effortless self-assurance.

"I believe we have met before, Captain Reynolds."

It was Atherton Wing.


	5. Fighting For the Queen

Chapter 5: Fighting For the Queen

"I think I can fly!"

"Don't be silly, River! Come down now."

"Come up and get me!" River swung her feet teasingly. Then her expression grew serious. She slid to the ground. "Back to the ship. Back to the ship now!"

"It's okay, River, they'll not leave without us," Simon said, in spite of previous experiences to the contrary.

Shepherd Book shook his head. "I think we should listen to her, son. Seems to me she rarely gets upset without reason."

"Back to the ship!" repeated River. "Simon, you are needed."

She broke into a run and Simon, Inara and the shepherd followed her as best they could.

oOoOo

Kaylee slumped over and clutched the injured cat to her chest. He was alive but bleeding from several wounds. Mal and Wash took a step forward.

"Afternoon, Atherton," said Mal. "Are you out for a kill today without the use of your sword?"

"Ah, Atherton," sneered a young man on a bay horse. "Is this the low-life who brought you down?"

Atherton's mouth set in a grim line.

"You must be itching to have a rematch," continued the young man, "if only so that people can start taking you seriously again."

"Hold your tongue, Daimyn."

"No, no, we're fine, we don't want no rematch," said Mal. "Just call your remaining fiends to heel and clear off."

"Don't you dare speak to me like that. What are you doing here? This is private land. Do you even have a landing permit?"

"Don't need no permit for a crash landing."

The young man laughed. "He beats you in conversation, too, Atherton!"

Radiating wrath, Atherton looked from the young man to Mal and then to the huddle of dead dogs. He indicated one of them with the tip of his shoe.

"That was my favourite bitch. I demand satisfaction."

"Woah, woah, are you people always this touchy?"

"You come to our planet, you play by our rules."

Mal nodded slowly. "All right then. Under one condition: last time we played our little charade _by your rules_ , you chose the weapons. So it's my turn now."

Atherton seemed taken aback, but then he shrugged. "Fair enough. Make your choice."

"Come here, Wash." Mal whispered into his ear.

"Are you sure?" said Wash. "I beat you the last time."

"Yeah, the last and first time. Don't worry. Just get the stuff."

Wash disappeared into the ship.

The horsemen dismounted and formed a semi-circle around Mal and the sobbing Kaylee. Some of them whispered to each other, but most kept an aloof silence. Out among the trees, a cuckoo called. Gradually, other noises became evident: the rustle and crackle of several people moving fast through the forest. A moment later, four figures emerged from the trees. River led, followed by Simon, but when he saw the group by the ramp, he sprinted ahead.

"Kaylee!"

She looked up, streaks of blood on her face and arms.

"Oh my god, Kaylee!" He crouched down beside her. "Show me where you're hurt."

"I'm all right. 's Hunter." She held out the cat with an imploring look. "You can fix him, right? Tell me you can fix him."

"I'll do my best. Let's get him to the infirmary."

"I'm coming, too!" cried River. Inara and the shepherd arrived just in time to see the three hasten across the cargo bay.

"Is Kaylee okay?" Inara panted.

"Kaylee's fine," replied Mal. "Gorram dogs got the cat."

Only then did Inara become aware of the little dead bodies. She flinched. Then she finally noticed Atherton.

"Hello, Atherton. Have you come to have another stab at Mal?"

"Inara. I see your loyalties still lie with this ruffian."

They glared at each other.

"Ah, here's Wash now with my weapons of choice," said Mal in the tone of a nursery teacher announcing the arrival of the Punch and Judy show. "Won't this be fun!"

Wash carried a folding table in one hand, two folding chairs in the other and a flat wooden box under his arm. In another world at another time, an inflatable beach toy round his neck might have completed the picture.

"What's this all about?" asked Shepherd Book.

"A duel," said Mal as he and Wash began to set up the table and chairs. The horsemen craned their necks when Mal opened the wooden box. Some murmured and some chuckled when the chequered board and the black and white figures appeared. Inara suppressed a grin.

" _This_ ," said Atherton, "is your weapon of choice?"

"It is indeed. We pitted our bodies against each other the last time, so I reckon it's time to see who has the superior mind."

Atherton snorted. "Chess is a gentleman's game."

"So you should have the advantage over me then. Isn't that how you prefer things?"

"I mean to say, you will not be able to cheat your way out this time."

"Cheat?" Mal laughed. "How could anyone cheat at chess?" He gestured for Atherton to take a seat.

"Wait," said Atherton. "We did not agree on what happens to the loser."

"He loses."

"Is that all?"

"Well, I don't know about them civilized societies that such a fine gentleman like you is used to, but strictly from a ruffian's point of view, I would say that's enough. But if you want to throw in that fancy hat of yours, I ain't stopping you. I have a pretty floral bonnet stashed away somewhere that I can offer as a prize."

A few of the horsemen sniggered, notably Daimyn. Atherton's eyes narrowed. "We play for honour," he said. "Nothing else."

"Nice to see you come round to my way of thinking."

Without a reply, Atherton sat down and arranged the white figures in front of him. He made his opening move.

Nine times the cuckoo called in the woods while little by little the pieces were removed from the board. The two men seemed evenly matched, though Mal's moves had a certain carelessness about them that Atherton took for over-confidence. Their audience drew ever closer until they stood almost shoulder to shoulder. The light grew golden and mist crept up between the trees.

Mal moved his remaining bishop in a way that exposed his queen. Almost as soon as he had let go of the figure, he jerked his hand as if to take the piece back again, then raised his hand and nervously scratched his ear.

"I take your queen." Atherton's mouth curled up in a saucy smile.

"Ah, you see," said Mal, "you overrate the queen." He moved his rook. "Check mate."

Atherton stared at the board as if by telekinesis he could rearrange the pieces. Without a word, he jumped up, kicked over the table and mounted his horse. He nearly rode over Inara but Shepherd Book managed to push her out of the way in the nick of time.

"Well," said Daimyn to his companions, "that about wraps it up for Atherton, doesn't it?" He crouched down to help Wash pick up the chess pieces, then he held out his hand to Mal. "My name's Daimyn Sotherby. Pleasure to make your acquaintance, captain. If you're ever on this planet again, be sure to look me up." He looked over his shoulder. "I never liked Atherton's dogs anyway. Bloody hell hounds."

Two minutes later, the whole hunting party had disappeared under the boughs of the forest.

"Shuttle's back," said Mal and pointed at the sky. "Come on, let's see if the doctor has managed to patch up our tenth crew member, and then maybe Kaylee will condescend to fixing the ship."


	6. Perfidious Albion

My apologies for the long hiatus. I've been writing something else in between, and then I kind of lost the thread, but here I bring you the penultimate chapter. Enjoy.

* * *

Perfidious Albion

"What do you mean, stop for cat food?"

"Poor critter needs to eat something, now there ain't no rats left."

"But, Mal!" Jayne sounded nonplussed. "Gotta job to do on Beaumonde. Don't want to leave the client waiting, surely?"

"Hunter's fine. He likes the protein crispies, don't you, Hunter?" added Kaylee and rubbed the cat under his chin.

"Well, so do we," replied Mal. "Can't have the cat gobble up all our snacks. We need some other supplies as well. Kaylee used up all the insulation tape. And we need to think of Inara as well. Didn't spend enough time on Persephone for her to make any appointments, but we must give her the chance to book some clients."

"Can't she book clients on gorram Beaumonde?"

"There's better clients to be had on Albion. So, here's the plan: Zoe and I will take Shuttle Two and go into Birmingham to get supplies. If you have any particular requests, give a list to Zoe. Jane, Wash, you remain with Serenity. The rest of you, if you want to do any sightseeing or whatever, feel free. I'm sure Inara will be happy to drop you off somewhere. Everyone clear about the plan?"

"Mal, it's only a shopping trip, why do we even need a plan?" Inara turned her huge dark eyes on the captain.

"Always good to do things properly."

"Sure. Prim and proper, that's us," said Wash.

"Never a foot out of line," added Kaylee.

"Unswervingly on the straight and narrow," continued Wash.

"Oh, shut up, Wash," growled Jayne.

Simon looked at Kaylee. "There is Excalibur Park in Stratford, just outside Birmingham. It's well worth seeing. River and I have been there years ago on a holiday with our parents. If Inara could drop us off there, I could show you around."

"That would be shiny," said Kaylee with a golden smile.

Inara put a hand on Kaylee's shoulder. "I'm sure it can be arranged."

"I'll keep Jayne and Wash company," said Shepherd Book. "I'm feeling a little under the weather."

"Aw, Shepherd, you'll miss out," said Kaylee and hugged his arm.

"She can look after preacherman." They turned to River, who sat in the corner hugging her knees. "He needs some looking after."

"But, River, don't you want to come with us?"

"She desires no fake myths."

"Really, River, I think it's best if –"

"Let her stay," said Inara and gave Simon a subtle nudge. For once, he took the hint.

oOoOo

"And, so the story goes, King Arthur assembled the noblest knights of all Albion at this Round Table, and, um, they went off from here and had all sorts of quests and adventures…slaying dragons, that kind of thing."

Kaylee's eyes shone. "How exciting! But it ain't really this table here, ain't it?"

"Of course not. It really all happened on Earth-that-was. Or perhaps even back there it was only a story."

A group of tourists entered the Great Hall and filled it with noise. Simon and Kaylee left by a side door and found themselves on the battlements of the castle, looking out over the gentle wooded hills that rolled into the hazy distance. Albion's sole moon was faintly visible in the summer sky. From beyond a row of trees came the sound of trumpets.

"What's going on there?"

"That'll be the tournament grounds. How would you like some jousting?"

Kaylee looked at him, perplexed, then she grinned. "I'm gonna say yes to that, though I ain't got the foggiest idea what it is. Please tell me it involves you and me and some good old skin-to-skin?"

"Huh, no." Squirming, Simon sucked in his lower lip and looked up at the sky. "It involves mounted knights with enormous lances, and they, um, point the lances at each other and…" His voice trailed off as Kaylee giggled. "No, I mean, um, they're on horseback and it's, it's like a _sport_."

"I see, _sport_. Shiny." Kaylee's grin grew wider.

"Let's just go and see it."

They descended the stone steps that led to the castle gates and strolled down a path toward the trees. Other visitors were heading the same direction. The fanfares rang again and soon other sounds could be heard as well, voices calling, the stomping and neighing of horses. As the path led them through the trees, they began to discern the tournament grounds. Opposing wooden platforms with stepped seating enclosed a long rectangle covered in sawdust. They found seats in the front row.

"Looks like a rodeo," said Kaylee. "Why's there a fence down the middle?"

"The knights start from opposite ends of the field. They ride along the barrier toward each other to gather speed and when they meet, they try to break the other knight's lance or push him off his horse."

"And that's a sport? Sounds dangerous."

Simon nodded. "Oh, I'm sure it was very dangerous, back then. But of course this is just a theme park and the knights are trained to put on a good show, not to smash each other's bones. It's perfectly safe. Oh, look, here comes the royal household."

He pointed to his left and Kaylee leaned in closer than would have been necessary to watch King Arthur, Queen Guinevere and her ladies take seats under a heavy brocade canopy. Polite applause and scattered cheers were heard when the king and queen gracefully waved at the masses. After yet another fanfare, the first two knights approached the royal box, carrying their helmets under their arms.

"Why are the horses wearing curtains?" whispered Kaylee into Simon's ear.

"It's called historical accuracy," he whispered back, though keeping a little more distance between his mouth and her ear.

"I like the blonde one," said Kaylee and pointed at the younger of the two contestants, who wore a short blue tunic over his armour and fair hair down to his shoulders. "He's shiny. The other one looks kinda grim."

"Queen Guinevere's ladies seem to agree with you."

Indeed, one of the ladies held up a piece of silky fabric and passed it to the blue knight with a smile. He took it, bowed, and tied the fabric to his arm.

"What does that mean?" asked Kaylee.

"She has chosen him as her champion. If he wins, it will be in honour of her beauty."

"Huh. That's kinda sweet." She reached up, pulled the ribbons off her pigtails and held one of them out to Simon. "Here you go," she said, shaking out her hair. "Be my champion."

He laughed in that embarrassed manner of his and twirled the ribbon between his fingers. "Um…thanks…what…what do you want me to do with it?"

"Oh, let me do it, silly." She tied the ribbon round his arm with a neat bow. "There, much better than Little Boy Blue could do with one hand."

They looked at each other and the distance between their faces was gradually diminishing. Then the next fanfare announced the beginning of the first joust. Simon and Kaylee started and turned their attention to the spectacle. The blue knight and the kind-of-grim-looking knight received their lances and, after briefly raising them at the sky, tilted them forward. The horses charged, hooves thundered, sawdust flew, lances clashed and the blue knight was thrown to the ground. His opponent waved at the audience in triumph.

"Ow," sulked Kaylee, "I liked the other guy better."

The next pair of knights entered the arena and Kaylee watched with a pout as once again her favoured contestant was unseated. He fell so spectacularly that sawdust from the arena even reached Kaylee's feet.

"All right," she said, "I ain't gonna pick favourites anymore. May the best man win!"

When the next two knights rode up to the royal box, it became clear that the previous pairs had only been a kind of warm-up act. These men were taller, broader, and their horses of such magnificent height and girth that they might have competed with elephants. Kaylee was at the edge of her seat as they grasped their lances. The horses picked up speed. With a tremendous crash, the knights met and both lances splintered. The crowd cheered.

At the same moment, Kaylee heard a cry beside her.

"I'm hit!" Simon was clutching his chest. Horror seized Kaylee when she realised that what was sticking out between his fingers was a piece of broken lance. Blood was already soaking his sweater.

"Oh my god!" She jumped up. "Help! It's an accident! Ain't nobody gonna help? We need a gorram doctor!"

A man in medieval garb rushed toward them. He cast one look at Simon and pulled out his radio.

"We need a stretcher at the arena immediately." He knelt down beside Simon. The audience on the surrounding seats began to switch its attention from the performance to the real life drama in its midst.

"Is he gonna be okay?" whispered Kaylee.

"I don't know, I'm just event staff. A first aider will be here in a minute."

"There's so much blood!"

"Don't worry, Kaylee," groaned Simon. "No vital organ's hit."

"How do you know?" asked the man.

"Oh, just an educated guess." He grinned.

Minutes later, Kaylee jogged along beside the stretcher, determined not to let go of her champion's hand.

oOoOo

In the common area, Simon sat with a clipboard on his knees and a sleeping Hunter curled up by his feet. An envelope marked "To Mal, In the Event of My Death" lay on the chair beside him. He patted the bandage on his chest. Writing to the captain had been the easier of the two tasks, but only relatively so. He had implored Mal to protect River, which, Simon felt confident, Mal would do anyway. Kaylee, though – what could he, should he write to her? It wasn't as if he expected his imminent death, but ever since his last close shave, the issue had been weighing on his mind. With the approach to Beaumonde looming and who knew what further adventures in store, he felt he shouldn't postpone it any longer.

A long line of convoluted sentences and stylistic flourishes passed through his mind and while some of them were corny and others really not too bad, what they all had in common was that they didn't do justice to what he wanted to say.

 _Dearest Kaylee,_ he wrote at last, _I love you. I am so sorry that I didn't make myself tell you. In fact, as I am writing this, I am still hoping that the time will come when I will let you know how I feel about you, but as you are reading this_ –

Approaching footsteps made him press the clipboard to his chest as, just his luck, Kaylee came bouncing down the stairs.

"Watcha doin'?" she said and plonked herself beside him on the sofa.

"Oh, nothing, um, just some notes."

"What about?"

"Nothing particular. Um, medical supplies and stuff."

He leaned over to retrieve the letter to Mal and, worse luck still, the sheet slipped from his clipboard and onto the floor. At least it lay face down. He reached out to grab it and managed to get hold of a corner, but Kaylee snatched the other end.

"Give me that, please."

"Ooooh, you're blushin'! Ain't no medical supplies _that_ embarrassing. What's it, a love letter?"

"It's private, please, Kaylee, let go." He tugged at the paper, but didn't dare pull too hard, in case it ripped and Kaylee was left with half in her hand. That would be the half he'd written on.

Kaylee treated him to one of her mischievous looks.

"What'll you give me for it?"

"I, um, what _can_ I give you for it?"

She batted her eyelashes. "Well, I dunno. Anything spring to mind?"

"Not really, um, I mean, yes, but –"

"Go on then!"

"What, I don't…"

She raised her eyebrows.

"I'm waiting, doctor."

He stared at her, her shining eyes, her slightly parted lips. He hesitated, wanting to kiss her, worried to do the wrong thing. Again. Eventually, he darted forward and planted a tiny kiss on her cheek. His lips barely touched her skin.

"Well, that was worth waiting for," said Kaylee sarcastically. She released the paper and made for the stairs.

"Kaylee, wait!"

"I've waited plenty!" she called over her shoulder and then she was gone. Simon decided this was an appropriate moment for swearing.


	7. The Terrible Fate of Some Fine Antiques

_Apologies that this took so long!_

* * *

Chapter 7: The Terrible Fate of Some Very Fine Antiques

Kaylee didn't put on her best dress to go planetside, because that would have been ridiculous. But she chose a little flowery number, donned her turquoise silk tunic, put up her hair and even brought out the good old lipstick and mascara.

"Hey," said Simon as she entered the shuttle, "you look…" He stopped, chewing air. "…nice," he finished lamely.

"She is beautiful," said River with a look at her brother that said 'Boob.' "Almost like a Companion."

"River!"

"'s all right, Simon, I don't mind. Ain't nothing wrong with resembling Inara, not that I ever could." She sighed. "I just wish we didn't have to do this."

"It's better this way," Simon said gently.

"I know, but –"

"Feels lonely. Feels trapped. No more rats, no more hunting." Dreamily, River gazed at the ceiling. "Can't live here anymore. He told me."

"And she _did_ seem a very nice lady, and experienced with cats," added Simon.

"Yeah, well, I'm a nice lady, too." Kaylee picked up Hunter and hugged him tight. His wounds had healed, but there was no denying that he had been out of sorts since they'd left Persephone. Most likely, River was right. "Come on, then, let's get it over with."

They stepped into the shuttle and took off, departing just minutes after Inara. Serenity continued onwards to the rendezvous point with Limpton.

oOoOo

"So, you're really gonna go through with this, asking Limpton to pay extra for the papers?" asked Jayne as he loaded his gun.

"Don't really have much choice," replied Mal.

"What'ya mean?"

"Papers are in a post office locker on Albion."

"What?!"

"You heard me."

Zoe grinned.

"Hang on, did you know about this?" asked Wash.

"You have to ask that, Honey? What do you think we did in Birmingham? We sure didn't stop on a planet just to pick up cat food and sticky tape."

"Great," said Wash. "I'm looking forward to negotiations with a man who expects a delivery of piping hot secret documents and gets a musty sofa instead."

"Well, at least he'll have somewhere comfortable to sit while we tell him."

"Yeah, like that's gonna be any gorram help." Jayne spat on the floor.

Mal shrugged. Meanwhile, Serenity prepared for landing in a large open area flanked by warehouses on three sides. A couple of fork lifts and a mule stood in the shade of a hangar-like open door, but otherwise the place looked deserted. An advertising board on the side of one of the warehouses showed a music video.

"Not exactly very busy," growled Jayne as they stepped off the ramp. "Isn't it a bit early for everyone to be off for lunch?"

"Hello?" called Mal, hand on his holster. "Anyone here? This is freighter Serenity with a delivery of very fine antiques!"

There was no answer. A skinny yellow dog padded across the yard and disappeared behind some kind of tool shack. Apart from that, nothing moved.

"Should we just start unloading?" asked Wash, rubbing the back of his head.

"I would advise against that," came the voice of Shepherd Book from behind them.

"Good morning, Shepherd," said Mal without taking his eyes off the scene in front of him. "Are you worried about back injuries if we tackle these very fine sofas on our own?"

"No," Book replied. "I am worried that this is a trap."

"Could be," said Mal, taking a cautious step forward. "Though I'm not sure who'd want to trap us here and why. Let's just take it slowly and carefully. Wash, you stay here with the shepherd. Have the ship ready. Zoe, Jayne." He motioned forward.

They walked out into the yard towards the open hangar door. When they were about two metres away from the entrance, a bullet whizzed past Mal's head, and a split second later the rattle of gunfire filled the whole yard. Diving for cover behind a forklift, Mal pulled his gun and returned fire. Zoe and Jayne ducked into the doorway and did likewise. They opponents seemed hidden behind the tool shed, from where they had free range over the whole yard and effectively cut off any retreat to the ship.

"Ta ma de!" Mal hissed. "Why does it never go smooth?"

oOoOo

"You go ahead. I've got, um, some other business. Meet you back here in an hour? I'm sure you two girls are more than capable of handling this."

Kaylee frowned. It was very unlike Simon to let River out of sight voluntarily, let alone of his own volition, whilst planetside. What other business? She wanted to ask, but he had already disappeared round a corner.

"Well, I guess this is it," she said and rang the old-fashioned doorbell. Beside her, River turned her feet in and out and muttered something about ballet shoes.

Seconds later, the door was opened by a tiny white-haired lady in a flowing blue dress.

"Hello, girls," she said pleasantly. "I'm Lily. Come on in."

Kaylee and River followed the woman into the house, which was shady and cool, a welcome change from the brooding heat outside. Hunter squirmed in Kaylee's arms, wanting to be let loose, but he held him firmly.

"Please, sit." Lily gestured at a pair of armchairs beside a low table. She held out her arms. "Is this the handsome prince?"

Reluctantly, Kaylee let Lily take Hunter out of her arms. Hunter pushed his head under Lily's chin and began to purr.

"What a gorgeous cat!" exclaimed Lily. "Yes, he is just like my dear old Baron. He was a ginger, too, you know." She leaned her cheek against Hunter's ears.

"And what happened to Baron?" asked Kaylee with just a slight trace of suspicion.

"Oh, he was old, rather old, you know," replied Lily sadly. "He went out a couple of months ago and didn't come back. It's often like that with cats. They want to find a secluded place to die." She stroked Hunter's back, blinking away tears.

"Under a shrub," said River earnestly. "Cassiope mertensiana. Tiny white flowers. She thinks he felt safe there."

Lily nodded, only slightly disturbed by River's speech. "Perhaps," she said. "There are lots of shrubs in the gardens round here. Now, would you girls like some lemonade? And I have a little treat prepared for my ginger prince."

oOoOo

The gunfight have been going on for nearly ten minutes and there was no sign of progress on either side. If he didn't think of something soon, it would come down to which side ran out of ammunition first. Mal considered the scene. Wash and Book were firing pot shots from the ship, but couldn't get the right angle towards the tool shed to have any hope of hitting something. Scanning the buildings, Mal took note of a number of skylights on the barely slanted roof, one just a few yards away from the tool shed.

"Zoe?" he called.

"Sir?"

"Let Jayne have a nosey around in there. Maybe lift his head to the Lord and pray. Seems to me that we might need some help from above."

"Understood, sir."

About a minute later, Mal saw the hatch of the skylight being pushed open. Jayne's gun appeared, followed by Jayne's head. Four shots later, all noise suddenly ceased.

"Got them, Mal!" called Jayne.

Mal and Zoe stepped out from their cover. Before Jayne could close the hatch, a loud crackle of static came from the advertising board and a familiar face filled the screen.

"Ah, I see you have survived my little welcome committee," purred Adelai Niska. "Was meant to remind you of deal we had. Deal that was broken by you, right, Malcom Reynolds? Would have been good for my reputation to take revenge on you this way. But don't worry, I have, shall we say, back-up plan?"

The screen went blank and at the same moment, an entire squad of armed and armoured figures cordoned off the open end of the quadrangle.

"Put down your weapons!" came a voice from a loudspeaker. "This is Federal Marshal Tomlin. I repeat, put down your weapons."

"Son of a bitch," said Mal and took out the advertising screen with a single shot. Then he dropped his gun.

oOoOo

An hour had long passed and Simon now sat with them in Lily's breezy living room.

"…so even though I never had any pets of my own, at least I had a hamster named after me," he concluded his anecdote.

Lily smiled. "How nice," she said. "It must be so rewarding, being a doctor. And are you and your sisters on holiday now?"

"We're not –" River began.

"We are doing a five week tour of planets," Simon cut in. "It's one of those package tours. We picked up Hunter as a stray on Kerry, but the tour leader won't allow us to keep him for the rest of the journey, so we had to find him a new home quickly."

"He'll be in good hands here," said Lily.

They all looked towards the open door into the garden, where Hunter could be seen scrambling along a picket fence.

"He's happy now," said River matter-of-factly. "Three lady cats in this street."

Simon blushed. "Well, perhaps it's time for us to go now. We must get back to our ship, um, cruiser. Thank you for the lemonade."

He stood up and ushered River towards the door. Kaylee leaned against the frame of the garden door.

"Good-bye, Hunter," she whispered. "Ain't no cat quite like you."

Gently, Lily patted her arm. "I'll look after him well," she said. "I promise."

oOoOo

"Are you sure?" Federal Marshal Tomlin frowned and scanned the heap of ripped upholstery and broken timber which was all that remained of Serenity's cargo of very fine antiques.

"Perfectly sure, sir," replied his second-in-command. "We left no millimetre unsearched. There are no papers."

Tomlin turned his gaze on Mal, who sat sheepishly on an overturned box.

"Do you expect me to believe," he said, "that your client is paying you to transport this pile of junk that he could have picked up at any jumble sale halfway across the galaxy?"

Mal shrugged. "Sentimental value, he said. Who am I to argue with a man's attachment to his old granny?"

"You had no suspicion that the old furniture was just a cover for an illegal operation?"

"I'm a simple man, Marshall," replied Mal. "A man tells me he loved his granny and wants nothing more than to park his ass on the sofa where she'd parked hers for the last sixty years, I'm inclined to believe that man. Aren't you?"

"And where exactly is this excessively sentimental client of yours, Captain Reynolds?"

"Ah, there you've got me. Never turned up."

"Do you have any explanation for this?"

"Yeah, Marshall, I think I have become the victim of a prank."

"A prank?"

"I wasn't very popular at school."

"That is –" The Marshall was interrupted by a subordinate who stepped up and whispered something.

"Aha!" He turned back to Mal. "Is that what it is? You've been harbouring fugitives!"

"You've seen my crew," replied Mal. "Ain't none of them fugitives, unless you want to count the shepherd fleeing from worldly vanity to the austere silence of the Black."

"I'll have none of your nonsense, Captain. We will search the ship again. The _whole_ ship."

He nodded at his second-in-command, who began issuing orders to the squad. Hasty footsteps dispersed all over the ship. Tomlin returned his attention to Mal.

"Where are your shuttles?"

"Away planetside."

"I can see that. Where are they and who is flying them?"

"They are both rented out to Companions, who are attending to clients. It is strictly a business arrangement and of course the names and addresses of their clients are confidential. I have no idea where they are."

"Then we will wait for their return."

"Make yourself comfortable."

oOoOo

"Hi, Wash, I'm –"

"Freelance freighter Serenity to Shuttle One. Miss Serra, the ship is awaiting your return. I repeat, Serenity is awaiting Miss Serra's return. Docking permission is granted and we are standing by."

Behind the controls of her shuttle, Inara raised an eyebrow.

Minutes later when she stepped out of her shuttle door, she smiled sweetly at the squad lined up in front of her.

"Gentlemen, how can I help you?"

Tomlin stepped forward. "Can you prove your identity and registration with the Guild?"

"Of course. If you want to come in for a moment." She moved aside and let him enter the shuttle. Three armed officers followed.

oOoOo

"This is Serenity." Wash glowered at them from the screen. "Docking permission given to second Companion shuttle. I repeat, we give docking permission to _second Companion shuttle_. I am glad you're finally returning, Miss Kaywinnet. We wouldn't like to think you had run away from us–" The transmission cut out.

Simon frowned. "What did he mean, second Companion shuttle?"

"He didn't smile," said Kaylee. "Ain't like Wash not to smile. Something's wrong."

"What shall we do?"

"I dunno. I think Wash wants me to pretend I'm a Companion."

"Alliance," said River. "On the ship. Got to hide." She tugged at Simon's hand.

"Just as well I gussied up," said Kaylee and smoothed down her tunic. "Should have worn my best dress after all. How do I look?"

"Ravishing," said Simon over his shoulder as River dragged him into the bathroom.

"Right," said Kaylee and lifted her head. "Right. Ravishing."

oOoOo

The search lasted less than five minutes. When Federal Marshall Tomlin emerged again, he looked flustered. Across the corridor, the clank and hiss of the second shuttle docking was heard.

"And your colleague is registered with the Guild as well?" he asked.

"But of course," said Inara with a smile that could have melted polar ice caps. The door to the second shuttle opened. "Kaywinnet, darling, I hope your day went well. This is Federal Marshall Tomlin."

"Marshall," Kaylee breathed and inclined her head gracefully. "I am delighted to make your acquaintance, but unfortunately I cannot accept any new clients at this time." Tomlin glanced at her, then back at Inara, then shook his head.

"A waste of time," he muttered angrily. "Looks like the prank was played on us." He signalled to his second-in-command, strode off, and the whole squad marched out behind him.

"Close one," said Mal.

oOoOo

Safely off Beaumonde, the crew reviewed their adventure in the living area.

"You really think the entire thing was Niska's plot?" asked Wash.

"Absolutely," said Mal. "Planted the papers, threw in the rats for good measure, had some henchmen await us and tipped off the Feds to make sure. I bet there never was a Limpton. Just one of Niska's men posing on the Cortex."

"We were lucky," said Zoe. "We're not going to be this lucky a second time."

"We'll be on our guard," said Mal grimly.

On the couch, Simon sat next to a pale and quiet Kaylee.

"Well done," he said. "I wasn't able to see your little performance, but Inara tells me it probably saved us."

Kaylee shrugged. "Ain't a big deal."

"You're sad about Hunter, aren't you?"

She nodded.

"I, um, I thought … I kind of anticipated that much and, um, well, here." He placed a small, silk-covered box in her hands. "That was the business I went into town for. Maybe it will cheer you up. A little."

Wide-eyed, Kaylee flipped open the lid of the box. "Simon!" With trembling fingers, she pulled out a slender silver chain and held it up. On its end gently swung a pendant: an enamelled ginger cat.

"Oh, Simon!" she cried and planted a quick kiss on his cheek.

River stuck her head round the corner.

"Don't be a boob now," she said.

The End


End file.
